HOW TO DEAL WITH A DIFFICULT TEENAGER

5 hours ago
8 min read

A woman in a blue shirt argues with a seated difficult teenage girl on a couch. The girl looks upset, with arms crossed. Teddy bear and books nearby.

I never expected raising a teenager would be this hard.

Honestly, I thought I past the hard part. The baby stage. The toddler stage. The years where someone always needed something from you every single minute of every single day. And you couldn't even go to the bathroom alone.

I thought once we got through that, it would get easier. And in some ways it did.

But personally, this is the hardest part. The teenage years. The years when your kid is right there, living in your house. Eating your food. Using your wifi, and somehow you still feel like there's distance with them.

And you don't really know what to call this feeling. Because you still love them just the same. Nothing's changed on your end. But something has shifted.

They're quieter. Closed off. They roll their eyes at things you say. They'd rather be in their room than sit with you. You ask how their day was and you get one word back, if you're lucky.

And you catch yourself thinking...did I do something? Did I say it wrong? Or is this just who they are now. And then that thought comes in, when did I stop being the person they looked for and become someone they just put up with. And that hurts.

Because nothing dramatic happened. Nobody did anything terrible. It's just this slow shift, and one day you look up and you're like, who is this person and why are they looking at me like that?

And calling them a difficult teenager just doesn't feel right. Because they're not difficult. They're your kid. The same one who used to fall asleep in your arms. The same one who used to think you hung the moon.

But sometimes? Parenting them does feel really, really hard. The way they go from okay to absolutely not okay in the time it takes you to say "How was school?"

So yes, some days it just feels that way. Really difficult. And exhausting in a way that's hard to explain to someone who's not in it.

The worst thing is you feel guilty for even saying it's hard because you know this is normal. A normal part of growing up. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier, does it? Especially when you're standing there and they just walk past you without saying a word. They make you feel invisible.

Why They're Like This

So here's what actually helped me when things feel really hard with my son.

Understanding why. Because once I understood what was actually going on with him developmentally, I stopped taking everything so personally.

Well, not completely. I'm still human. But it helped.

Their brains are still being built. I'm not being poetic, that's literally what's happening. That part of their brains that controls all their emotions, the thinking before reacting, making decent decisions, it's not fully developed yet. Not even close. It keeps developing all the way into their mid twenties, which, honestly, explains a lot.

So when your teenager reacts completely insane to something small, or makes a choice that makes zero sense to you, they're not doing it to drive you crazy. They genuinely don't have the full capacity yet to regulate all that.

The wiring is still being done and there's nothing you can say or do to rush that.

Then, on top of that, hormones are making everything feel bigger than it is.

Every feeling is turned up loud. A bad day feels catastrophic. A small argument with a friend can ruin their whole week. An embarrassing moment can sit on them for days.

They are not trying to be dramatic. It's just that everything feels genuinely intense right now and they don't know yet how to process it. So what comes out is irritability or attitude or just shutting everybody out.

And they're also going through this whole process where they're trying to figure themselves out. A person that's separate from you. Which means they need distance, they need privacy, they push back on things you say. And they want to make their own choices even when those choices are questionable.

That pulling away is actually healthy. That's supposed to happen. It's just something new to you and you'll just have to learn to accept that.

And something I keep having to remind myself, over and over is that when they're being snappy or just hard to be around, it's usually not just that.

Almost always there's something sitting under it all. It can be anything from school, friends, or something that didn't go right. Or maybe they're having one of those days where everything's going sideways and they don't know why.

They don't always know how to tell you that they're stressed or overwhelmed. Or they feel like you won't understand if they did tell you. So it comes out all sideways too.

I've noticed with my son, the more difficult he gets, the more likely something's bothering him. And been bothering him for a while, and he just hasn't said anything yet.

7 Ways to Deal With A Difficult Teenager

I don't have this figured out. I'm in it as well. Some days I manage it okay, I stay calm, I say the right thing. Other days I don't. I say something I shouldn't have and it just goes downhill from there and we both end up needing space. It's messy.

These are just the things that help a little when I remember to actually do them.

Don't match their energy

When they come at you with attitude, every part of you wants to come right back at them.

I totally get it. But when you do that, nothing good comes out of it.

The argument gets so big that you forget what it's even about at the end of it. Nothing gets resolved. And the worst thing is they'll decide to shut down more than before.

The thing that actually works, and I hate how much this works, is staying calm.

Not because you're okay with how they spoke to you, you can address that later. But because when you stay calm, you keep the conversation alive instead of blowing it up.

You can always come back to something. You can't unsay things that came out in anger.

Just listen

When your teens start talking, no matter what it's about, how small, how big, how random, how urgent, try restraining yourself from jumping in right away. It's hard not to, yes. Because our first instinct is to help, to fix, to explain. That's how we are. We've been doing it since they were born.

But the moment they hear you trying to teach them something, or you start pointing out what they should've done differently, you can feel them pull back.

They shut down so quickly.

And next time, they'll just keep it to themselves instead.

So just listen. Let them get it out.

And before you say anything, ask if they actually want your input. Because sometimes they genuinely just want to say it out loud to someone who won't make it weird.

Being that person for them is worth more than any advice you could give.

Say what you mean and actually stick to it

I learned this the hard way.

When you say something and then let it slide, your teen clocks that immediately. They file it away. And then when you try to set boundaries after that, it gets harder. They test it more. Not even in a big way sometimes, just small things. Because they're not sure if you're going to follow through or not.

So you have to be clear about it.

Say what you mean.

Explain it to them when you can, because it helps them understand it better. And then stick to it. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when they push back. Even when it would be easier to just let it go that one time.

Being consistent means they know where things stand. Over and over again.

Let them sort out their own problems sometimes

This one physically pains me. But it's important.

When you're always jumping in to fix things for them, like talking to their teacher, mediating the friendship drama, and smoothing over the mess they created, they'll never learn to handle anything themselves.

And one day, they're going to be out in the world and you won't be there to fix it.

So let them deal with the consequences of the choices. Be there. Be supportive. Let them know that you're around. But resist sorting it out for them every single time.

That's actually one of the most loving things you can do for them. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Hang out with them

Not every time you spend together needs to be meaningful or productive. Some of the best moments I've had with my son were completely accidental. In the car. Getting food. Him showing me something on his phone that I didn't fully understand but sat there anyway.

Those small nothing moments are actually where the connection lives. And they're also where the real talking tends to happen because nobody's trying to have "a conversation". It just happens.

Just be around each other sometimes. That's enough.

Notice when things are getting better even just a little

When you're in a difficult stage with your teen, it's easy to only see how hard it is.

But progress with teenagers is almost never dramatic. It's tiny. It's quiet. It's your teen talking to you for five minutes today when yesterday they said nothing. It's a week that was slightly less tense than the one before.

Don't dismiss that. It counts.

You're not looking for a perfect teenager. You're looking for slow, messy, imperfect progress and that's honestly what it looks like.

Talk to them like you respect them

They can tell straight away when they're being talked down to.

You don't even have to say much. It's in your tone. And once they feel that, they'll most likely switch off instantly.

But when you talk to them properly, like an equal, like you actually care about what they think, they notice it. It'll land differently. They'll stay in the conversation a bit longer. You don't have to agree with everything they're saying. You just have to make space for it without shutting it down immediately. They might even open up more than you'd expect them to.

You don't have to give in or change your position. Just....talk to them like they matter. Like they're growing into their own person. Not someone you need to control all the time.

It shifts things more than you think.

Some days in this stage can feel hard and really defeating and you wonder if anything you're doing is getting through at all.

It is.

The things you've been teaching them all these years, the values, the way you've loved them, the fact that you keep showing up even when it's hard. None of that disappears just because they're going through a difficult patch right now.

Stay steady. Keep the door open. Keep being the safe place even when they're not making it easy.

That's the job.

And you're doing it.

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