5 COMMON WAYS WE UNINTENTIONALLY SHAME OUR KIDS

As parents, we all want what's best for our kids.

We want them to grow up feeling loved, confident, capable, and most important, we want them to be happy.

But even with the best of intentions, there are certain times that we may find ourselves shaming our kids without even realizing that we're even doing it.

It can happen during those rushed moments when we're stressed, frustrated, or simply just not thinking.

Unfortunately, when we do it, it's already out there, damage has been done, and we can't turn back time and take it all back. These moments, however small you may think it is can be a lasting memory for your kid. That memory comes with all the feelings of hurt and can leave a lasting scar.

I know that I wish I could take back the little moments that I have hurt my son in the past especially when he talks about it with me now. Even after 15 years, some stupid thing that I or someone else has said all those years ago is still fresh in his mind. I wish I could erase hurtful memories from his mind but I can't and I regret those moments deeply.

It's not easy trying to control everything we say and do and sometimes, we don't put much thought into it because we were subjected to it too and it might seem totally normal or we think our kids will be unhinged by it.

The truth is there are things that we do and say, even if unintentionally, that truly hurt and shame our kids.

Here are five common ways we unintentionally shame our kids - and some thoughts on how to change our approach to create a more supportive environment for our kids.

5 Ways We Unintentionally Shame Our Kids

These are 5 common, everyday things we do that shame our kids without even realizing it.

1. Comparing Them to Other Kids

"Why can't you be more like your brother?" or "Your cousin gets straight A's, what's your excuse?"

We've all heard this at some point or the other, and maybe we've even said it ourselves. But comparing our kids to others, whether it's with their siblings, friends, or classmates, can make them feel inadequate. They'll feel like they're less than, and it can impact how they feel about themselves and their self-esteem.

If they keep hearing themselves being compared to others, over time, it can lead them to question their own self-worth and abilities.

Your children are unique individuals with their very own strengths and weaknesses. Just because one is great at maths doesn't mean another is automatically expected to be the same.

When we compare them, we risk making them feel like they're not good enough just the way they are.

What to do instead. Acknowledge your child's strengths. If they struggle in one area, give them the support they need instead of making them feel like they're less than someone else. Remind them that everyone learns at their own pace and everybody has their own strengths. Remind them of their strengths and applaud them for the effort they put in areas where they struggle with.

2. Dismissing Their Feelings and Emotions

When your child says, "I'm scared" and you respond with, "Don't be silly, there's nothing to be scared of", you might think that you're helping them brush off their fear and make them feel empowered.

But what you're actually doing is dismissing their feelings and they might start to believe that their emotions don't matter or that they're not valid. Dismissing their feelings over and over again will just teach them to suppress their feelings with the belief that what they feel does not matter.

This is when a communication breakdown happens and as they grow older you end up wondering why your child won't open up to you. You'll find that they will talk less and less about their problems and how they feel because from experience they know that you won't take them seriously.

What to do instead. Acknowledge their feelings regardless of how small and insignificant you think they are - to them these are big feelings and emotions that they are feeling. Instead of dismissing their feelings, say something like, "I understand that you're feeling scared right now. Do you want to talk about it?" Then listen to them. If you validate their feelings, you're showing them that it's okay to express how they feel and in turn, it builds trust and opens the door for continuous communication. They'll always come back to you.

3. Name-calling or Labelling

There's a huge difference between using an affectionate nickname and using a negative name-calling, regardless of how you try to justify it.

Calling your child "lazy" because they didn't clean their room or "bad" because they misbehaved might seem harmless, but these labels can stick with them. Calling them "useless" at a sport or a subject that's not one of their strong suits but one they put a lot of effort into and enjoy, completely destroys their self-confidence.

Labels, especially when they come from a parent can be hard to shake off and they'll start internalizing these words, believing that they are indeed lazy, bad, useless, and simply not good enough. With repeated name-calling, they might start to live up to those labels, thinking if they're consistently told that they are useless or lazy then maybe that is who they actually are.

What to do instead. Focus on the behavior and not the person. This separates their behavior from their true identity. They are that same sweet child, but maybe they are struggling to keep up with chores, or something happened to make them misbehave and they are definitely not useless by any means. Focusing on the behavior gives them space to improve without them feeling like they are a bad person.

4. Conditional Love

Saying, "I'm proud of you for getting good grades!" is meant to encourage, but if a child don't hear the same enthusiasm when they don't achieve, they might start to believe that they're only loved and appreciated when they perform.

I can understand that it's hard to be as enthusiastic when they don't perform well, but equal attention should at least be given for the effort they have put in.

What to do instead. Remind your child often that your love is unconditional, regardless of their behavior or achievements. It's important to praise their efforts and progress, rather than just the end result especially if you find them struggling but determined at the same time. Doing this lets them know that your love is unconditional and not tied to how well they do in school or how perfectly behaved they are.

Just a little side story - My brother is on the spectrum and he went to a public school, nothing special. I don't think my parents expected much from him academically because he struggled but regardless of how he performed in exams and tests, his efforts and his results were always celebrated. He might have gotten the worst grade or second worst in his class, but he was always given praise for his efforts and determination.

And let me tell you that he is one of the most confident and determined people I know, living a life I never expected he would - I'll always be in awe of how far he has come in life. It wasn't easy for him then and I don't think his working life is any easier, but his outlook on life is just unbeatable that he makes it look easy. I think my parents did a damn good job of instilling that kind of confidence and fire in him through the 'little' things they did for him.

5. Using Guilt as a Form of Manipulation

"After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me?" or "I'll just do it myself since you don't want to help me." Of course, these sound familiar.

It can feel effective to use guilt to get our kids to do something because sometimes it does work, but in the long term, it can make your kids feel responsible for your emotions. It's a heavy burden for a child to carry.

When you guilt them for not meeting your expectations, it can cause them to feel anxious and sometimes resentful. Over time, they may distance themselves emotionally in an effort to disconnect from the emotional burden that comes with guilt-tripping. Another thing that might happen is that they develop people-pleasing behavior. People pleasing might seem at first glance like a good thing but in actual fact, it's not.

What to do instead. If you need something, ask for it without guilt-tripping your kid into doing it. Instead of saying, "I'll just do it myself!" in the tone you would use (you know that tone I'm talking about!), try, "It would really help me out if you could pitch in with this." This lets your child know that their contribution is actually valued and appreciated without making them feel manipulated or pressured.

Parenting is a learning process for all of us, and we don't get it right most of the time.

The goal isn't to be perfect because there is no such thing. The goal is to be mindful of how our words and actions impact our kids.

By moving away from the things we say and do that may shame our kids, we can build a more supportive, understanding, and loving environment that allows our children to grow into confident and emotionally healthy adults.

At the end of the day, what matters most is that our children feel safe, loved, and accepted for who they are. So let's give them the grace and space to make mistakes, learn, and know that they are enough just the way they are.

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