RAISING SONS: 7 THINGS THAT QUIETLY BREAK A BOY'S SPIRIT

Let me start with this:

If you’re a parent raising a son in today’s world, my heart is with you.

It’s a world that tells our boys to be brave, but not too emotional. Strong, but not soft. Independent, but obedient. And somewhere in all that pressure, our sons are quietly learning how to bury their feelings just to survive.

The scary part? Sometimes it’s not the world breaking them—it’s us. Not because we’re bad parents. Not because we don’t love them.

But because we’re overwhelmed, stretched thin, and trying to do the best we can in a world that never really taught us how to raise boys with tenderness and truth.

We say things out of habit. We react from stress. We carry wounds from our own childhoods that we never had a chance to heal from.

But now, we know better. And when we know better, we can do better, and our sons deserve better.

Here are 7 things that slowly, silently break a boy’s spirit—along with what we can do instead to build them up.

7 Things NOT To Do When Raising Sons

Telling Him to 'Man Up"

He falls. He cries. He’s scared or overwhelmed.

And what do we say without thinking?

“Come on, be a man.”

“Stop crying like a baby.”

“Man up!”

But here’s the truth.

He’s not a man. He’s a child. A child with very real emotions.

When we tell a boy to man up, what he hears is: “Your pain doesn’t matter. Your feelings make you weak.”

And so, he learns to stuff it all down. Not because he’s strong. But because he’s scared to be seen as anything less.

So what do you say instead?

“It’s okay to cry. I’m here.”

That simple sentence tells your son, you don’t have to hide who you are to be loved.

Rescuing Him at the First Sign of Struggle

You see your son struggling. He's either trying to figure something out, make a decision, or trying to find a way to recover from a mistake. And your first instinct is? Step in. Fix it. Save him. Done! All is well!

Because that's what love is, right?

But the thing is, when we always rescue him, we're robbing him of his chance to rise on his own. He doesn't learn that he's capable when we're always rescuing him. He learns that he can't do it without us.

What should we do instead?

Let him try. Let him stumble. Let him get frustrated. Be there, but don't take over.

Say, "I believe in you. You've got this. But I'm here if you need help."

Confidence isn't built from success. It's built from the struggle, support, and knowing you're capable.

Correcting Him in Front of Other People

If you've been called out or criticized in front of a group, you know how it feels, right? It stings, doesn't it?

Now imagine being a young boy, still learning about the world and himself, and the person he trusts most shames him publicly.

When we correct, shame, and call out our sons in front of friends, their siblings, or strangers, we're not just pointing out a mistake. We're telling them, "You can't trust me with your vulnerability."

And boys remember that. Even if they don't say a thing, they remember.

Do this instead.

Pull him aside. Speak quietly. Say, "We'll talk about this later, okay?" And when you do have that talk, make it about learning, and not shaming.

Expecting Him to be the "Man of the House"

This one hits home for so many moms, especially single moms like me.

We lean on our boys because we're tired and we need the help. We tell them they're the man of the house because it sounds like praise. Like we believe in them.

But when we put the weight of adulthood on a child's shoulders, in some ways, we steal their childhood. We turn them into little protectors, little problem-solvers, little fixers, when all they want to do is be little boys.

What can you do instead.

Let him just be a little kid. Give him cores, teach him about responsibilities, but don't expect him to fill a father's shoes.

He doesn't need to carry your weight. He just needs you to carry his heart.

Comparing Him to Other Kids

"Why can't you be more like Mat?"

"Look how well your cousin's doing."

"Other boys your age are already doing this!"

We say it out of frustration, maybe even fear. But to our son? It sounds like this, "You're not enough." "I wish you were someone else."

Being compared to doesn't motivate. It wounds and it hurts.

It tells our sons that their unique journey, their pace, and their personality just aren't good enough.

What do you do instead.

Focus on your son and his own growth. His strengths. Say, "I love the way you think through things," or "You've improved so much, and I'm proud of you, keep going."

Affirm who he is, and not who you think he should be.

Only Praising Wins

He aces a test. Scores the goal. Gets picked for something big. And of course, we cheer. We post it. We beam with pride.

But if that’s the only time we celebrate him, he starts believing that his worth is tied to performance.

And then when he fails? He hides it. Because if he’s not winning, he’s afraid he’s not worthy.

How do you correct this.

Celebrate the invisible things. The quiet kindness. The effort. The growth.

Say: “I’m proud of how hard you tried.”Or: “It took courage to do that, and I saw it.”

Let him know that he doesn’t have to earn your love. It’s already his.

Avoiding the Hard Conversations

We don’t want to talk about sex, mental health, bullying, or peer pressure. It’s awkward. And scary. And sometimes we hope maybe… just maybe… he’ll figure it out on his own.

Especially for single moms, it's hard and again, awkward.

But silence doesn't protect our sons. It isolates them.

And if you're not talking to your son about these hard conversations, someone else is. A friend. A stranger. The internet!

How do you go about doing this?

Just start the conversation, don't care if it gets messy. Even if you stumble. Say, "I don't have all the answers, but I want us to talk about this together.

He needs to know and understand that you're a safe place. For questions. For fears. For truth.

Final Words From One Parent to Another

Parenting boys is not for the faint of heart.

You will question yourself a hundred times a day.

You will get it wrong more times than you’ll admit.

You’ll cry in the shower, worry in the car, and wonder if you’re enough.

But let me tell you this:

If you’re reading this, you already are. You are enough.

You’re paying attention. You’re learning. You’re choosing to show up differently. And that, is what changes everything.

Your son doesn’t need a perfect parent. He just needs one who sees him. Who listens. Who shows up, even after he makes mistakes, stumbles, and gets stuff wrong.

That’s how you raise a son with an unbreakable spirit.

One gentle moment at a time.

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