HOW TO HELP YOUR KID DEAL WITH CRITICISM

If you read my last post about giving your teens constructive criticism without starting World War 3, you already know that part of the conversation.

But here's what I didn't really get into: what happens on their end.

How do we actually help our kids deal with criticism without shutting down, blowing up, or deciding the person who gave it to them is their mortal enemy? Because honestly....that's the harder part.

Giving feedback is one thing. But teaching kids to handle criticism, to actually sit with it and not completely fall apart, that takes time and it takes intention and sometimes it takes a lot of deep breaths on your end too.

And look, I've given in to my son wanting to take art classes, trumpet lessons, football camps, personal training, Muay Thai lessons, overseas school trips, and whatever else more. I want him to have every advantage he can get and that I can afford.

But none of that matters if he can't take feedback from a coach, a teacher, a future boss, anyone really.

Life is going to keep giving him criticism whether he's ready for it or not. So I'd rather help him get ready.

Why Do Our Kids Take Criticism So Personally?

To be able to help our kids we have to understand what goes on inside their heads when someone criticizes them. Because if we don't get that part, then nothing else we do will really land.

And here's the simple version of it. Our kids take criticism personally because it feels like someone is coming for them. Not what they did. Not the essay or the goal or the project. Them. As a person.

My son came home once after his teacher marked down his essay and he was convinced, genuinely convinced, that she hated him. Not the essay. Him. Like she had looked at his work and decided something about who he was as a human being.

And I remember sitting there thinking....how do I even begin to unpick that. Not his essay. Him.

That wasn't just drama. That was genuinely how it landed in his brain. Like a verdict.

And teenagers especially, their sense of self is so wobbly already. And everything, no matter how small it is to us, feels bigger to them. More magnified. So even a tiny bit of feedback can feel like the whole world is saying "you're not good enough".

Once you understand that, maybe you'll stop being annoyed at their reaction and you'll actually be able to help them.

7 Things You Can Do To Help Your Kid Deal With Criticism

Help them see the difference between a genuine feedback and a personal attack

Because there's a massive difference between 'my teacher hates my essay" and "my teacher gave me notes to make it better". Same situation. Completely different story in their head.

And the story they tell themselves about it is everything. It determines whether they shut down or whether they actually do something with that feedback.

So just...start talking about it. When your kid comes home fuming about something a teacher or a coach said, just walk through it with them. Ask them honestly. Is this person coming after you or are they trying to help you? Because those are two different things. And most of the time, it's the second one.

Once they start being able to tell the difference, something changes in how they receive feedback. They stop just reacting and they actually start thinking about what to do with the feedback.

And that's when it stops feeling like an attack and starts feeling like....information they can use.

Let them feel it first

Our instinct as parents, at least mine, is to immediately fix it.

They're upset, so I want to jump straight into "okay here's what you should do differently next time". And it never works. It really doesn't. Because they're still deep in those feelings. His whole existence in that moment is that someone just criticized them and they're trying to process that in whatever way they do.

So just let them vent first. Let them say it's unfair. Let them be annoyed.

You don't have to agree with everything they're saying but you do have to let them feel heard first.

And honestly, once they feel like someone actually listened, they calm down a lot faster than you'd expect. Then you can have the real conversation.

Show them how to handle it

.......because they're watching.

This is the one I had to swallow a little.

My son watches how I react when I get criticized. And people will. About my work, my parenting, my choices. How do I even talk about it? Because whatever I do, he's learning from that. Not from what I tell him. From what he sees me do.

I've caught myself complaining about feedback I got and basically modelling the exact thing I'm trying to get him out of. So yeah. That was a bit of a mirror moment.

You don't have to handle it perfectly. You just have to handle it visibly. Let them see you say, "that hurts a bit but okay, let me think about whether there's something in that".

That one small thing does more than any conversation you could have with them about taking criticism well.

Teach them to pause before they react

When criticism comes unexpectedly, the gut reaction is usually not great. Defensive, snappy, a complete meltdown and even shut down.

And if they respond from that place, it almost never ends well for anyone. So teach them that taking a moment is not the same as avoiding it.

It's just not responding from the most reactive part of their brain. Even just saying "I need a bit of time to think about this" is a completely okay thing to say. It's not weakness. It's actually pretty mature.

Practice it with them at home. And if your kid is anything like mine, they'd rather eat glass than do a roleplay with their mom, just tell them the next time someone says something that stings, wait before they react.

That's it. That's the whole conversation. You might have to repeat yourself every now and again. And that's okay.

Help them separate who they are from what they did

This one I feel in my whole chest because my son does this exact thing.

Having a bad grade and being a bad student are not the same thing. A missed goal doesn't mean you're a bad player. That's just work that needs fixing. That's all.

But try telling that to a teenager. They'll take one small piece of feedback and they run with it and take it to the extreme. Like really run with it. And really extreme.

"I got that wrong" quietly becomes "I'm always getting things wrong" which somehow becomes "I can't do anything right" and then before you know it it's...."I'm not good enough". And it happens so fast you almost miss it.

One comment. One grade. One moment. And suddenly it's a whole identity.

So when you hear them doing it, gently pull them back. "Your essay got marked down. That's about the essay. What can we do differently next time?"

Keep bringing it back to the action, not the person. Do it enough times and it slowly starts to stick.

Get them to find the useful part, even in bad feedback

Okay but also, not all criticism is worth taking on board.

Some of it is mean. Some of it is just badly said. Some of it is genuinely not fair and your kid has every right to feel that way. We're not trying to raise kids who just smile and nod at everything anyone throws at them. That's not the goal.

But here's the thing I try to get my son to do even when the feedback was terrible, even when the person said it in the worst possible way, is there anything in there that's actually useful? Just one thing.

They don't have to swallow the whole thing and they definitely don't have to agree with how it was said, or anything that was said for that matter. But is there even a tiny piece worth keeping? But what can you actually use?

Teaching them to filter feedback, to pick out what helps and let the rest go, that's a real skill. A skill that takes time to build. But it's genuinely one of the most useful things they can have going into adulthood.

Notice when they handle it well and actually say something about it

When your kid actually takes feedback well, when they hold it together, stay calm, process it like a somewhat reasonable human being, tell them.

Just say, "Hey, I noticed how you handled that today. That was really mature. I'm proud of you."

Because accepting feedback gracefully is a skill and skills need to be seen and named. Not just expected. Especially by teenagers who think they're doing nothing right half the time.

Anyway...this is the stuff I think about. Not just how to give criticism. But how to make sure that my son can actually handle it when it comes from someone who isn't me. A coach. A teacher. A friend. Eventually, a boss. Someone who doesn't love him the way I do and who isn't going to wrap it in the same care.

The world is going to give him feedback his whole life. I'd rather he know what to do with it.

If you enjoyed this post, I'd love it if you shared it on Pinterest! Thanks!