5 SURPRISING WAYS PARENTS ACCIDENTALLY RAISE PEOPLE-PLEASERS

It’s Easier Than You Think (And You're Not a Bad Parent)

You don't mean to raise a people-pleaser. None of us do

You're just trying to survive most days, doing your best to raise kind kids who don't grow up to be jerks.

But here's what people don't tell you. That people pleasing doesn't just happen out of nowhere. It usually starts in childhood. From the little things. The moments when your kid feels like they have to keep everyone happy. Or when they start putting their own feelings aside in fear of upsetting you.

And most of the time, we don't realize we're teaching it. That it starts with us.

It's the times when we praise them for being "easy". The times we tell them to "just be nice" before we even make the effort to find out what's happening in the first place. The way we sometimes shut them down because we're just too tired to deal with another meltdown.

This is how you accidentally raise a people-pleaser.

A people pleaser isn't just a nice kid. They're the ones who are quick to say sorry before they even need to. They're the ones who say sorry even if they don't fully understand what they're sorry about. They don't speak up when they feel uncomfortable. They're the ones who always say yes. Someone who worries more about keeping the peace than saying how they really feel. They put other people first so much that they start to forget about themselves.

It's not their personality. Instead, it's a form of coping strategy.

Most people pleasers learn this from a young age and from home. Often from well-meaning parents who genuinely just want to raise "good kids". Especially when there's stress at home, not much support, or even high expectations, it's easy for children to unintentionally learn that it's their job to make things easier for the adults around them and even their siblings.

If you notice this in how you are with your kids, you're not a bad parent. You're a human one. It's so easy to miss these signs, but it's definitely not too late to change things around.

5 Ways We Raise People-Pleasers

Here's how people pleasing shows up in your everyday life, and what you can do instead.

Praising Them For Being "Easy"

It's something we say without even giving it a second thought.

"She's so easy".

"He's no trouble at all".

"She just goes with the flow".

"He's very obedient".

And you probably mean it as a compliment. You're grateful for that one child who gives you all the quiet moments you need. The cooperation. The calm.

But over time, your kid might start to believe that being "easy" is what makes them lovable. That if they ever speak, say no, or disagree, basically, if they rock the boat, they're somehow harder to love.

Your kid might even start believing that their value lies in how little space they take up. They learn to suppress their opinions and just hide their needs because they don't want to be a burden to you.

What you want to do instead is to let them know that it's okay to use their voice. It's okay to voice out their opinions. To say, "I don't like that" or "I want something different". Tell them that it's okay to ask for what they need and that you're listening.

Being easy is not their job. Being honest is. They need to know that they are safe with you and that your love for them is not dependent on how "easy" they are.

Telling Them To "Be Nice" or Forcing Them To Share

We all do this one (don't lie!)

Your kid gets protective over their toys and doesn't want to share. Or they say something blunt (like all kids do). You jump in with "Be nice" or "Just share it with your brother!". Because that's what we've been taught to say (right?). We want them to be kind.

But the thing is, sometimes, "be nice" teaches kids that it's not nice to not want to share. It's not nice or acceptable to be honest and share what they really feel or think. It teaches them that it's better to be liked and accepted than to feel safe.

That saying yes is more important than trusting their own boundaries.

Your kids need to know that it's okay to have something that belongs just to them. It's okay to say no. It's okay if they just want to play by themselves and be alone.

That being kind doesn't mean they always have to say yes.

Teach them that kindness also includes self-respect. You can tell them that it's kind to think of others, but it's also kind to listen to themselves and protect their own space.

Let them practice setting their own limits and boundaries.

Making Them Say Sorry Because You Are Embarrassed

You're in public. Your kid does something loud or messy. You feel the heat of all eyes on you. And before you even think, you're saying, "Say sorry, right now!"

It's not so much about teaching them. It's about avoiding judgment.

But when we're rushing them to quickly apologize just to make a scene go away, they learn that other people's comfort matters more than their own feelings. That "fixing things" quickly is more important than actually understanding what happened.

Instead, slow down. Take a breath. When things calm down, ask them what happened and together figure out how to fix it.

This will help your kid take real responsibility and not just "perform" an apology just to keep everyone happy.

Brushing Off Their Feelings

Your kid starts crying. Again. Maybe because his blanket feels weird or their banana broke in half.

You're tired. You've got dinner on the stove. You just want peace and quiet. So you say, "You're fine," or "Stop being dramatic" or "You're. Or, "This isn't a big deal". But it is. It is a big deal to them.

And when they keep hearing that their feelings are "too much", they start shrinking. They stop showing you when something hurts. They stop sharing how they feel. They stop sharing their full selves.

And that's how people-pleasers begin. By learning that it's safer to just stay quiet.

Instead, acknowledge the fact that their having big feelings and let them know that you're there for them. It doesn't matter if you don't get it. It doesn't matter if you think it's over the top. Sometimes they don't even need you to fix it. Just stay with them in those big feelings.

Your presence alone will teach them it's safe to feel.

Making Them Feel Responsible For How You Feel

This one is hard, especially on those tough days.

You snap. You yell. You're stressed.

And then you say, "You're making me lose it!" or "I can't deal with you right now!". But what your child hears is, "Mom's upset because of me". "It's my fault she's mad". "If I behave better, she'll be okay".

And then they start walking on eggshells. They try to make you happy even when they're not okay themselves.

That's not their job...

You can always say, "I'm having a hard moment right now. I just need a minute to calm down". It shows them that grown-ups have feelings too and that we're in charge of our own emotions.

Not them.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's not too late.

You're not doing parenting wrong. You're just noticing things now that you didn't see before. And that's a good thing.

Most of us were raised to people please. So, of course, some of those habits sneak into how we parent. The thing is, now we get to do it differently.

We get to be the ones to break the cycle. You get to teach your kids that their voice matters. That they're allowed to feel things. To be themselves. That being kind doesn't mean saying yes when you want to say no.

You don't need to be the perfect parent. It's really not a thing. You just need to show up. And be willing to try again.

That alone makes a huge difference.

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