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7 QUESTIONS THAT SHOW YOU HOW YOUR KIDS REALLY SEE YOU
Raising kids means a lot of quiet wondering. You watch their faces and listen to their tone, and you try to work out whether they feel loved and also understood. You wonder if you're doing enough.
They might say something that might give you an indication, but they won't always say it out loud. Sometimes it just slips out sideways. Sometimes it's a shrug at dinner, a random comment in the car, and maybe a little drawing left on the kitchen counter for you.
That's why one well-timed question that you ask them can open so much up. Your kids can't get these wrong. They're a very discreet and gentle way to peek at your relationship from where your child is standing. From their perspective.
Here are the seven questions and what each one can tell you.
When you're feeling sad, who's the first person you look for?
It sounds so simple. Yet the answer says a lot about where your child feels safe.
Maybe they say you. Maybe they pick grandma, their best friend, or the family dog. Whatever they say, you've learned something, and nobody has failed.
If it's you, your heart will swell. It'll put your mind at ease. Your kid trusts you with their hard feelings. If it's someone else, you can get curious about what makes that person feel so easy to lean on. It'll be a hard pill to swallow, but think of it as a way to improve your relationship with your kid. Maybe that person never rushes to fix anything. Maybe they just sit close and let the tears come.
Raising kids includes learning where your kid feels the safest, then slowly becoming more of that place for them. Ultimately, we naturally want to be that place for them.
What is something that you wish I would change about myself?
You'd want to be brave for this one, because you might not like what you hear.
Kids can be annoyingly honest. You might find out that you're on your phone a lot. You might hear that mornings feel rushed and loud. You might hear that you're angry all the time. Or you might get a giggle-worthy answer, like "you sing way too loud in the car".
Sometimes the answer points to a rule that feels too strict. Sometimes it shows a moment when they wanted more of you. And it'll make you realize that it's something you never noticed at all. Or you did notice but didn't think that it affected them all that much.
If the answer stings, take a slow deep breath and say thank you. Your child just trusted you with the truth, and that trust is worth far more than a perfect parent report card.
When do you think I'm the happiest?
You'll learn a lot from how your child describes you.
Our kids notice so much more than we give them credit for. They see when your shoulders drop and your face softens. They know which things make you laugh out loud. They also notice when you're tense and something's bothering you.
Maybe your kid says you seem happiest when you're cooking, or when everyone's squished together on the couch. That tells you which moments stick with them. It also shows you what they think a good life looks like.
What if they say, "when you're at work" or "when we leave you alone"? Well, that'll definitely hurt. But it also hands you something real to think about.
It's a good thing to let them see you enjoy your own life, and it helps to know which parts of it they actually notice.
What's something I love about you?
Get ready, because this answer might melt you.
Listen closely to what they say. Some kids talk about good grades. Others may mention being kind or helpful, or behaving well around other people. Some say sweeter things, like "my hugs" or "that I share my cookies with you".
Their reply can reveal whether they feel loved for who they are or mostly for what they get done. A child who believes that love comes only when they achieve something can carry a quiet pressure for years.
If you hear a long list of accomplishments, you get a beautiful chance here. You can tell them what you adore and love about them. Tell it to them when they're not doing anything in particular so it doesn't seem attached to what they're doing in the moment. Kids need to hear that out loud, and they need to hear it often.
Read also. 7 Signs You're Raising Truly Happy Kids
If you could tell me anything and I promised not to get mad, what would it be?
A lot of kids carry things around for a long time. Worries about school. A friendship that went sour. Something they did and feel awful about.
This question gives them a safe little door for them to walk through. The "not getting mad" part is the part that does the heavy lifting. It tells your child you're ready to listen first without reacting.
Your child might just say "nope" and wander off. And that's okay. What you just did by asking this question is letting them know the door is there now if they ever want to circle back. Some kids do exactly that, maybe days or even weeks later when they feel ready.
If and when they do share something big with you, try your hardest to stay calm. Your face and your first few words will show them whether telling you was a good idea. And that's how you start building that trust they'll have in you for future stuff they deal with and want to come to you with.
What was your favorite thing we did together this week?
This is a sweet one, and it might surprise you.
Kids tend to hold on to moments you might take for granted. That big birthday trip you took might not even come up. Instead, you might hear about the night you had pancakes for dinner, or the afternoon you got soaked in the rain and ran all the way home, or that time you went for ice cream after school.
Their answer shows you what really stays with them. Most of the time it's small, and it almost costs nothing.
So many of us feel pressure to make every moment special. Hearing your child's answer to this one can lift that weight right off your shoulders.
Ordinary time with you, when your phone is down and your attention is fully theirs, means more to them than you think.
What's something you'd love for us to do together more?
This might be the most useful question of the bunch, because it hands you an easy way to connect.
Maybe your child misses board game nights. Maybe they'd love a walk after dinner, those quiet talks at bedtime, or a slow Saturday morning with nowhere to be. Most of the time, their answers ask for very little.
Here's something worth holding onto. Closeness doesn't always come from adding more to your plate. Most of the time, it comes from simply being together and being present and truly living in the moment. Your child may not want a busier calendar or a fancy outing. They might just want you, all of you, for a little while.
Read also. Fun Surprises To Do With Your Kids
A few gentle things to keep in mind
You don't have to ask them all seven questions in one sitting. Please don't. Pick just one and slip it in during an ordinary moment with them, like a car ride, a walk, or while you're washing the dishes with them. Kids open up better when you're not staring them in the face.
You can let them finish their whole answer before you say a word. Fight the urge to want to jump in to explain yourself or fix things. When they're sharing something with you, especially if it's something hard, a soft "thank you for telling me" will go a long way.
And if their answers surprise you and not something you wanted to hear, choose to be kind to yourself. Hearing how your child really sees you takes real courage. Plenty of us never even think to ask.
The thing is one honest conversation can change how you see your relationship. It can change how your child sees you too. And when a rough moment shows up later, you already know a little more about what to say.
Raising kids will never come with a perfect map. But a few good questions can definitely bring you closer to each other.
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