THINGS YOU SHOULD AVOID SAYING TO YOUR ELDEST CHILD

The Unspoken Struggles of the Eldest Child

If you're a parent of more than one child, there's a good chance your eldest has quietly become the "other grown-up" in your family. Not by choice, but because it just simply happened.

You ask them to help. To be patient. To give in. To set an example. They're the one you turn to for help when things get hectic.

You may not say it out loud, but the message they get is often, You're older, so I need you to act like it.

And they usually do.

Because they love you, and they love their brothers and sisters. And most of the time, they can handle more.

But here's what we tend to forget or take for granted is that they're kids themselves.

They too, need space to feel, to mess up, to be comforted, and most importantly, to be seen and heard just like everyone else.

Being the eldest child comes with a lot of pressure. They might look as if they've got it together, but inside? They're often carrying pressure that they don't talk about. Pressure to be the "good one". The responsible one. The one who doesn't cause any trouble. They sometimes end up sacrificing parts of their childhood just to keep the peace.

Your eldest child is often your extra set of hands, the problem-solver, even the emotional buffer in the family.

They might not complain much, but that doesn't mean it's not hard on them.

They are always praised for being reliable and independent, but very few people ask how they really feel.

That's a lot to carry.

In the 'chaos' of raising our children, there are certain things that are often said to the eldest child specifically that, when said over and over again, can leave them feeling invisible and less important than the rest of their siblings. We don't realize it when we say these to them, but it does affect them.

7 Things You Shouldn't Say To Your Eldest Child

These are the few common phrases many parents have said to their eldest child, and why we might want to rethink them. More importantly, is what we can actually say to make them feel seen, valued, and loved, just as much as their siblings.

"Just let them have it! You'll be okay."

This usually comes out when we're trying to keep the peace. Maybe the younger sibling is crying or throwing a fit, and we just want it to stop. So we tell the eldest to hand it over, whatever it may be.

What they hear is that their feelings don't matter right now. And over time, they start to believe that their needs always come second or last.

What you can choose to say instead to avoid them from feeling beaten is "I know it's hard to share sometimes. Let's figure something out together." That one line shows them that their feelings matter, and you see them and you understand how they're feeling in that moment. That their wants don't have to take a back seat.

"You're older! You should've known better!"

This one cuts deep because it makes your eldest feel like they're not allowed to make mistakes. Like they're always supposed to be right, calm, and in control.

But we sometimes forget that they're still figuring things out too.

But if you offer your understanding and allow space for them to talk things through with them, it takes the pressure off. It turns into a talk rather than a scolding.

It'll show them that you're still their safe place, even when they mess up.

"I expected more from you."

This one really stings. Not because we mean it to, but because of what it implies.

We would normally say it when we're disappointed.

Maybe they snapped at a sibling, forgot a core, or made a choice we didn't completely agree with. So out comes, "I expect more from you."

We say it because we believe and trust in them. We see how responsible they usually are, and we hold them to a higher standard. But to them, it can feel like you only care when they're perfect. Like their worth is tied to how well they perform. And that's not the message we want to send.

Instead, telling them that you know that they're doing their best and it means so much to you changes everything. It tells them that it's okay to mess up. It's normal to mess up, and they'll still be loved. That it's okay to be imperfect and that you love them for exactly who they are.

That your love isn't a reward, it's a constant.

"You're supposed to be the responsible one."

Being the "responsible" one gets old fast.

When you always expect them to be the bigger person, whether to apologize first, or clean up the mess, or something else, they'll start to feel like they're not allowed to be just a kid anymore.

Instead of saying that (and by the way, a kid is a kid and not any form of a grown-up), maybe you could acknowledge how much they've been helping you out a lot, and it's okay for them to just take a break and do what they want to do.

Let them be silly. Let them make mistakes. Let them be the kid that they are and not always be the one keeping things together.

"Your siblings are watching, so please behave yourself."

This can sometimes come out when you're tired.

You've already had a long day, and your youngest is already hanging off the banister like a monkey. You catch your eldest acting up a little and think, no...not you too. So you say, "Can you behave yourself? Your siblings are watching."

The intention isn't necessarily bad. You're trying to keep some order. But what your eldest really hears is that they're responsible for how their siblings turn out. And that's a big ask.

They already feel like they have to be an example. They already notice how their little brother copies their every move. They don't need a reminder, they live it every day.

Instead of saying that, tell them how good a big brother/sister they are. It might sound small, but it's actually a huge relief for them to hear. You're telling them they don't have to act a certain way. They don't have to be perfect. They're doing just great, being exactly who they are.

That reminder goes a long way, especially on days when they feel like they're not getting things right.

"You're not a baby anymore."

This one slips out without thinking. It's usually when your eldest is crying over something so small, or they need help with something you think they should already know.

And sure, they're not babies. But they're still kids.

When we say this, it can sound a bit like we're telling them to "toughen up" or "grow up". That they've outgrown needing comfort and attention.

For an eldest child who's already pushed to be more mature than their age, hearing this can be the final push out of childhood. That they've got to carry on quietly because they've aged out of needing any kind of support and attention that kids normally need.

It's better if you just avoid saying this. Instead, give them reassurance that no matter how old or how tall they get, they'll always have you to come to for anything they need. That it's okay to cry, to be unsure, to want a hug and a cuddle whenever they need. That it's okay to need you.

This tells them that growing up doesn't mean growing apart.

"I depend on you more than the others."

We usually mean this as a compliment. A little nod of appreciation.

Maybe we've had a rough day and our eldest steps in to help with dinner, or entertain your younger ones. But to a child, even the most capable ones, that can feel as if they stop helping out, things will fall apart, and it'll be their fault.

They start to feel like they're carrying the emotional load of the house. Like they simply cannot afford to rest, to break down, to act up, or even say no, because you're counting on them.

That's a very heavy thing for a child to carry.

What you can do instead is to let them know you see their efforts, and that you're extremely grateful for having them in your life, but also, they don't always have to be the 'helper'. This way, you're telling them that it's okay for them to just be a kid. And that load they think they're carrying is not their load to carry.

This gives them breathing room, and sometimes, that's all they need.

The Eldest Child Needs Room to be a Kid Too

Your eldest child is not your second-in-command. They're not the fallback parent. They're not the one who should always be okay just because they're older.

They are still learning how to handle emotions, how to ask for help, and how to find their place, just like your younger kids. The difference is, they often feel like they have to figure it all out on their own.

But you can change that.

So the next time you catch yourself about to say something that puts more weight on those tiny shoulders of theirs, pause and take a breath.

Then try saying something that reminds them that they don't have to hold it all together.

They don't have to be perfect.

And that they are enough.

Always.

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